somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
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