I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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