im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
