I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
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