My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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