1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
as a side note pls kill me
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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