Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
