i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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