Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
