im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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