If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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