hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
