You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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