Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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