Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
