Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
