I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
