god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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