You're a womanizer and a bitch.
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
