He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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