Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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