I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
