The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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