so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
