Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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