my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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