Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
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