I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
