I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
