xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
