I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
