Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
