you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
