I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
