I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
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I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
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Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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