I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Randomize
