JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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