I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
