I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
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