Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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