If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
