I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
