Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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