When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
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Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
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So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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