so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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