He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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