i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
