No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
