my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
