Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I got her a Nickelback box set.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
