so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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