I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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