The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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