I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
