life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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