I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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