I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
