its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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