I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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