I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
