does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He shit in the fireplace
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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